The Worst Thing I Have Ever Written

I have never been able to cry. Not properly. Not in the cathartic, ‘just let it all out’ sort of way.

Sometimes, late at night, my face might scrunch a little, the sides of my mouth might downturn just enough for you to tell I’m sad. And maybe, just maybe, I might shed a couple silent tears. Everyone tells me I will feel better after a good cry. I always feel worse.

I’ve often wondered why I can’t cry.

I think it’s because of what I feel.

Shame.

I think that’s the key. I am ashamed of it. Of being so weak.

I guess I have you to thank for that.

Maybe you weren’t sure how to raise a child. Maybe you did the best you could.

I fell down the stairs at age 8. I ripped open my left leg. I still have the scar. You told me not to be so clumsy.

They would say hurtful things to me at school. You’d tell me to man up and stand up to them. Be a good boy, a strong boy. Then berate me for being so stupid when I came home with a broken nose.

I know I cried as a child. I can still remember the tears. The hot sensation. The disappointment on your face. The sting of the backside of your hand on my face.

I tried to be strong.

I tried to be good.

I tried so hard to be good in school, to make friends you approved of.

I tried so hard to be the son you wanted.

I didn’t even defend myself when you said you wished I’d been a boy.

I didn’t even cry when mom died.

Shame.

That was the only thing that kept me going.

The only thing that stopped me from killing myself.

That stopped me from telling anyone about the rapes.

I couldn’t bear how ashamed of me you’d be. How you would never tell anyone what happened to your frail daughter. How weak I would be, to just let something like that happen to me.

I joined the military, just like you wanted. I became the good soldier boy, just like you wanted.

I tried so hard.

I tried so hard to not be the daughter you never wanted.

Please don’t hate me when I die here.

Mae Mercer was killed in combat at the age of 22. Her father did not attend her funeral.

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22 Responses to The Worst Thing I Have Ever Written

  1. Under says:

    Your right, that does suck. Not only the writting style but this has the benefit of a complete lack of realism. Abuse does not turn someone into an outwardly perfect person, it ruins every aspect of their life. You see symptoms of such abuse in everyday decisions. It’s good that you try to branch out to new writing styles and what not but I would stay away from things you have never experienced. The best advice I ever got was to “write what you know” either through observation or experimentation but either way you need to be familiar with the topic.

    • Markos says:

      While in one sense I agree with your statement, in another I totally disagree. Those who have been victims of abuse, either by their parents or classmates or relatives and whether it was physical or emotional, should know that while others use it to become stronger and self confident (often to the point of arrogance and the possession of a stubborn ego) there are others who simply shrink away inside. I was one of the latter.

      I wasn’t abused in any horrific sense. No beatings at the hands of my father (he’s the most gentle yet powerful man you will EVER meet), no rapes, no massive trauma.. but you’d be surprised what a simple look of loathing can do to a child. There’s no point in mentioning the specifics, simply how not all people react to abuse in the same manner.

      That said, emotional eulogies are exceptionally difficult to write. Since my personal writing style attempts to bring the reader into the emotional storms which are the characters involved, I know this very well. The only real issue I have with this piece, from my experienced viewpoint, is how more “simplistic” language is used. Trying to create a marriage of how a person speaks, using more “I’s” and “they’s” and “them’s” (and any plural versions of the afforementioned), and mixing such writing with a more stylistic sense (in other words, you’ve used a thesaurus) is an exceptionally difficult task. I’d suggest working on that.

      Overall, however, the concept is perfectly orchestrated, and I’d like to see what you come up with if you continue penning such prose.

    • Rayn says:

      I don’t entirely agree with your statement Under. I can say, from experience, that all people react differently to abuse. I for one came out of it a much stronger, more capable and determined person.

      Some may shut down, and give up completely. Others will do everything in there power to prevent the feeling of disappointment from ever coming back.

  2. gnomeaggedon says:

    The title got my attention..

    As for whether to write it or not… you wrote it. If you stay away from things that don’t always work you wont get the feedback that will give them a fighting chance later when you need them.

    Ironically.. just like the subject of the post, if you ignore all that is wrong with it, shut it out, deny it, then you will not grow.

    Good on Rip for pushing your boundaries and putting what you know is not the best out there to receive criticism, or feedback if searching for a nicer word.

  3. Plyrx says:

    Crap, I’m an idiot, I thought this was actually you until you said, “I wished I were a boy.”

  4. Majickla says:

    Where are you Rip? Come back!

  5. GHOSTKID says:

    Rip…?

    Are you there?

    I’m jonesing for some troll mage musings.

    Ghost

  6. Magefire says:

    Please give us more!

  7. Jesta says:

    Hey just wondering if you are going to add more in the future. I have enjoyed your writing and observations both here and from Critical QQ. Could you let us know if you are just taking a break or moving on to something else?

  8. Follower says:

    =O where’d you go?! give us an update on your latest state so that we at least know! preferably, you could go back to critical QQ 🙂

  9. Miles says:

    Yes, I’m sure that you would love to “let ‘Rip” back in your old persona on how Cataclysm is shaping up? Maybe? I still occasionally check my rss feed on Criticalqq, just in case…
    And when are you going to go back on TNB?

    Seriously, I hope you’re OK and that the prolonged silence is just blogging fatigue or writer’s block that will soon resolve.

  10. Gnomeaggedon says:

    Worst thing… hopefully not the last thing…

    Just checking in, hoping all is good.

    If we don’t hear from you before have a great Christmas or holiday or whatever is your preference!

  11. randompersonbob says:

    RIP???

  12. SpiritusRex says:

    Rip, I hope everything is well for you. I miss reading your insights and stories. Happy Holidays, friend, and well wishes for the New Year.

  13. Khaz says:

    New reader here, and I’m missing your posts sorely enough already. Masterful writing.

  14. Cyllaenoi says:

    You okay, Euripedes? It’s been awhile since you posted anything, and I was just wondering. Hope you’re doing alright.

  15. Asphydel says:

    Come baaaaaack!!!

  16. Saffron says:

    :O
    Where are you!

  17. Torumin says:

    You ok Rip? I miss you D:

  18. asdfgh says:

    I have a horrible feeling Rip may have been run over by a bus or something of that nature

  19. Gnomeaggedon says:

    More likely that Rip ran over a bus…

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