The Bible According to Arkenheart

Yeah, I dunno what the fuck was up with last post. I got a few good ideas from writing it, though.

Basically, Sariah and Arkenheart become criminals when they move to Silvermoon. I’m going to retcon a lot of their earlier history, and take that Cain thing and rewrite all that stuff into a sort of caper style story. Think Snatch, that’s kinda the feel I want to go for.

And if you don’t know what Snatch is, then you’re missing out on one hell of a good movie.

And to Eradicator and Cyllaenoi, would you believe I’ve never actually even heard of Leverage until your comments? Most of the inspiration came from wikipedia and, to a lesser extent, Johnny Wander.

Of course now I know of the show, and inevitably it’s going to show up somewhere.

Anyway, in honor of the long weekend, here’s the story of the Bible, retold by Arkenheart in her own words. It amuses the shit out of me, but you might hate it. Whatever, holiday weekend bitches!


In the beginning, God created the heavens and also the Earth. He was a little drunk at the time, and forgot necessities like gravity and the sun. He was somewhat nause… naseus… experiencing motion sickness from all that floating in the void.

“Let there be light!” said God. The Bible is unclear on how He said that in a vacuum. But what the fuck, he’s God, if anyone can break the laws of physics it’s the guy who created ’em, right?

“Oh me oh me!” said God, “where the shit is the floor?!” and then God created a bunch of random stuff like birds in fish as He tried to remember how to create the goddamn ground. Ever play Doodle God? It was a lot like that. Only with less sobriety.

Then He was lonely so he was all “let’s get Man up in this bitch!” but He accidently (Ed.’s note: Arkenheart has been posthumously informed of the correct spelling of this word) created Satan and Satan was all “Good Lord you’re drunk” and God was all “how d’you know the fuck kinda Lord I am” and Satan was all “well fuck you too douche canoe” and thus Satan created the rhyme.

And the canoe.

So Adam was there, and he was totally a Man, all handsome and shit. And God was all “I hate my life, I haven’t been laid in infinity, you know? Man, fuck bitches.” The universe misinterpreted that last thing as an instruction and Adam suddenly had the overwhelming urge to fuck various types of bitches.

Unfortunately there was no such thing as bitches yet and Adam was very confused. Imagine showing up at your birthday party and being told you can’t have any horse doovers (Ed.’s note: Arkenheart has been posthumously educated in the correct pronunciation and spelling of French words), and you don’t know what the hell they are but you feel sad anyway.

So God said “let’s get bitches up in this bitch!” and created Eve. Seconds later, Man invented sex. Seconds later, Man invented shame.

On the seventh day God had a hangover.

He had such a huge headache, and He was just wandering around the garden grumbling about how much being immortal sucks and He found Adam and Eve going at it in the bushes. God was all “hey guys, sup” and Adam was all “dude! DUDE! oh God why?! get the fuck out!”

And God was all “what is this? shame? My Man knows SHAME?! You ate from the tree of knowledge or life or whatever the fuck I called it didn’t you?!”

Adam looked at Eve’s crotch and said “oh, is… is that what we’re calling it now? It looks more like a bush.” And so God threw them out of the garden and banished them forever and damned them to incredible pain and stuff.

And that is why performing oral sex on a woman is a crime punishable by death.

Satan was all “dude, harsh” and God was all “this is all your fault!” and Satan was all “what the fuck did I do, I’ve been sleeping in a damn tree this whole time. you seriously need to get laid.” and God beat Satan into a bloody pulp and tore off his arms and legs because fuck you He’s GOD and He can do whatever the fuck He wants.

Adam and Eve had some kids, Cain and Abel. Abel was pretty cool, except for his weird sheep fetish. Or cow. The Bible isn’t clear on that. Cain was a vegan, and that pissed God off something fierce. God can’t stand hipster scum and banished Cain. Also Abel died somehow.

Like ten thousand years later or something the human race was everywhere and God looked upon the world the same way a father would look on a baby that only exists because he had drunken monkey sex with some chick he met at an acid party. Only, you know, the he in this case is a He, capital H and all, and being God, He can just drown that baby and call it a day.

Only God felt kinda bad, so he told this one dude to build a boat and put shit on it. Dude survives, most of humanity dies, just enough people survive to start over. Kinda like if you ripped the tooth out of the baby before drowning it so you can clone a new one later and… no, actually that metaphor is really bad so let’s just forget it.

And this is why terrible metaphors is a crime punishable by death.

Later there was EGYPT and slavery. The slavery part was not so good. Then along came Moses, who got high one day and talked to God who was a burning bush. It was a graphical glitch. God was all “free your people” and Moses was all “how” and God was all “kill motherfuckers” and Moses was all “k.”

Pharaoh was all “fuck that shit” and Moses cast water to blood, hex, insect swarm and everyone’s-first-born-just-fucking-dies. It was super effective and the slaves went free and wandered around aimlessly for forty years because they didn’t have a map.

And this is why the world map now tells you where to turn in your quest.

Then God spends an entire chapter just letting Job get curbstomped by Satan just to win a bet. God was all “hey Job, good job not renouncing me and all that” and Job was all “that was the worst experience of my life, and hey, what was up with destroying all of my possessions and killing off my entire family?” and God was all “totally won a bet my man, I rock so hard”.

Naturally Job flipped his shit and God was all “I’m not so good at this whole god thing” and Job was all “no shit. you need to get laid” and God was sad because Job was right which meant that Satan was right. And that’s terrible.

So God hatched a brilliant plan, knocked up this chick named Mary, and Mary gave birth to God’s kid. Then God realized that was the extent of His plan and really it wasn’t very good. But fuck it, sex was pretty awesome. Adam had the right idea. God made a mental note to resurrect Adam and thank him at some point.

Jesus was a pretty cool guy. He walked around a lot. I think he was a shaman. Walking on water, calming storms and all sorts of neat stuff. Then again he could also summon bread, so maybe he was actually a Shamage. (Ed.’s note: Arkenheart has been posthumously informed that there is no such class as Shamage. She was posthumously disappointed)

Everyone got drunk on the wine Jesus was creating and they dared Jesus to prove he was the son of god, so he was all “aight, crucify me!” and everyone just sorta went along with it cause, you know, drunks.

So Jesus died, but only temporarily, and people were freaking out, but he came back and was all “I’m fine dudes, we’re cool” and they were all “but you’ve still got a freaking hole in your side!” and he was all “nah, it’s cool, I bleed water, see?”

And that’s where the plot of Jade Empire came from. (Ed.’s note: Arkenheart has been posthumously informed that Jesus was not a dragon)

Jesus went around and talked to people, then he turned into diamonds and went to heaven or something. Then a bunch of other people went around and talked to people about Jesus cause he was a really nice guy and very popular.

They also wrote a bunch of letters to various people telling them they sucked and that they would die in horrible fashions

And that’s where trolling came from.

Then along comes Revelations and some dickweed with a trumpet just keeps blaring away at that thing until everyone dies.

And that’s why playing a trumpet consecutively for longer than thirteen minutes is a crime punishable by death.

Wait, what the fuck, that’s it? Seriously?

What kind of ending is “EVERYONE DIES”!? Is that… is that seriously the whole religion? God makes people, kills them all, then you go around telling everyone how much God loves them?

What. The fuck?

You know, okay, seriously, I’m with Satan on this one. Fuck this shit.

(Ed.’s note: Arkenheart has been posthumously informed that siding with Satan is a crime punishable by death)

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6 Responses to The Bible According to Arkenheart

  1. leah says:

    that’s like beyond epic, its legendary!

    damn it I have to remember not to read you late at night, laughing soundlessly is excruciating.

  2. Cyllaenoi says:

    I got mentioned! Woo hoo! Sorry, I got excited. Epic +1. Arkenheart’s reaction at the end was priceless.

  3. Kahrn says:

    I don’t see how Ark could be informed of anything posthumously (unless she was rezzed), other than that, ’twas a funny read.

  4. GHOSTKID says:

    “And this is why the world map now tells you where to turn in your quest.”

    Hee hee hee hee.

    I enjoyed the hell out of that post.


  5. Aaida says:

    Can we get more bible texts according to Arkenheart? 😮

    Being an atheist going to a catholic school for the first time, this post was very very amusing.

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