Montages Don’t Work in Text

Still not quite satisfied with things I’m writing. I know the general direction I want to go, the specifics are difficult. I keep jumping way ahead in Arkenheart’s storyline, but getting there without a decent transition feels just so wrong to me.

I would give anything, ANYTHING, for a training montage in text form. Does such a thing exist?

In any case, below I have vented my frustration. It’s pretty terrible.


Arkenheart: Hi!

Triss: You’re a bitch!

Arkenheart: No you’re a bitch!

Triss: No you’re a bitch!

[They fight. Theronidas arrives.]

Theronidas: I am the master of terrible timing!


Verdan: I am way smarter than all of you put together. My inner monologues are constructed entirely of conceit. I am also ridiculously handsome.

Random Student: But I also am smart! [He dies]

Verdan: Not so smart when you die after getting one line!

Arkenheart: I’m ridiculously special.

Verdan: Indeed you are! We shall all worship you now.

Other Students: Hooray Arkenheart! We are not worthy!

[They worship Arkenheart, who is now inexplicably dressed in white robes]


Arkenheart: Oh Theronidas!

Theronidas: Oh Arkenheart!

[They mate]


Triss: I am an unfortunate person.


Triss: NEVER!


Verdan: Arkenheart you are really good at everything and I’m not even supposed to be teaching you any of this but you remind me of my daughter WHO DIED HORRIBLY.

Arkenheart: I too have a tragic back story! I bet mine’s better… er, worse than yours!

Verdan: My wife died in childbirth!

Arkenheart: My dad died when he literally suffocated under ghouls and abominations, choking to death on rotting flesh!

Verdan: My daughter was kidnapped, raped then eaten by trolls!

Arkenheart: My sister was kidnapped, addicted to drugs, and her mind has been broken so horribly she’s a sex slave to keep her addiction going!

Verdan: Well… uh… this one time Bloodwrath called me a douche!

Arkenheart: My mom committed suicide after my sister went missing and blamed me!

Verdan: Really? Damn. That’s harsh kid. You win. Have a cookie.

Arkenheart: I love cookies!

Verdan: Friggin rape and suicide. ALWAYS wins backstory competitions. Why can’t we have characters who’s backstory is a crippling penchant for being nice to kittens or something?

Arkenheart: Careful now, that fourth wall is awfully fragile.





Arkenheart: JUST ONE?


Arkenheart: XD


Other Students: Derp Arkenheart is way better than us at everything!

Arkenheart: That’s right! Ha ha ha!

Verdan: Careful, or the author is going to do horrible things to you to prove you aren’t a Mary Sue.

Arkenheart: Psh, yeah right. I’m an in-game character! A PC no less! He can’t kill me off or even permanently injure me. He can’t hurt me!

Theronidas: OH SHIT.


Arkenheart: Wanna be friends?

Triss: Sure!

[They got hot and greasy together]

Theronidas: Hey guys what’s goin- awww.

Arkenheart: Don’t be like that! Join in!

Theronidas: [Takes off his pants]

Triss: Heh. Mine is bigger.

Arkenheart: XD

Theronidas: Yeah, well, mine has multiple functions.

Triss: Oh yeah? What else do you need besides up and down, and the occasional left and right?

Theronidas: Pfff. Amateur. This baby spins! Check it!

[It spins]

Arkenheart: Oooh.

Triss: That… that is pretty amazing. May I… may I touch it?

Theronidas: Go right ahead. Easiest grip is on the shaft.

Triss: Oh, it is so… warm.

Theronidas: Yeah, that helps keep the end lubricated.



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10 Responses to Montages Don’t Work in Text

  1. JThelen says:

    The only thing terrible about this is how terribly hilarious it is. But then again, I might just be a fan of bad humor to my own demise.

  2. Plyrx says:

    The ending with the arclight spanners is my favorite part.

  3. Calebris says:

    I don’t get what is so terrible. It actually reminds me of that “6 episodes in 90 sec” star wars thing.

    My family is looking at me wierd from all of my giggling. It’s funny.

  4. It is possible to do a text training montage, they just require a bit more planning that the average training montage you’d find in a movie or show. Basically, you just write a series of short segments (1000 words or less) highlighting an aspect or incident in the training period that is somehow important to the story or character development. For instance if you wanted to show how a character is completely fuckawesome at one task, but total pants at another, you could have him/her demonstrate their fuckawesome skill before the rest of the trainees (judges, clan of snow monkeys, whatever) in one vignette while they get their pants pulled round their ankles and spanked at their pants skill in another. Important relationships can easily be introduced in this way, too. Really, there’s no end to what you can do with it. The main key, though, is planning. Since one of the most frustrating things for a reader is to pick up an interesting plot thread and then never have it go anywhere, you have to be sure that the scenes in the montage will eventually be relevant to the story. Unless it’s just a throwaway scene played for laughs or a cheap d’aww or something.

  5. nosadfaces says:

    Or you can end that section of the story and go to the part you want to write in the future, hinting at said montage and then inserting the training as relevant memories or lessons in the new section.

  6. Anariel says:

    You’re the best! Around! Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down!

    Joe Esposito can carry you through ANY montage.

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