Still not quite satisfied with things I’m writing. I know the general direction I want to go, the specifics are difficult. I keep jumping way ahead in Arkenheart’s storyline, but getting there without a decent transition feels just so wrong to me.
I would give anything, ANYTHING, for a training montage in text form. Does such a thing exist?
In any case, below I have vented my frustration. It’s pretty terrible.
Triss: You’re a bitch!
Arkenheart: No you’re a bitch!
Triss: No you’re a bitch!
[They fight. Theronidas arrives.]
Theronidas: I am the master of terrible timing!
Verdan: I am way smarter than all of you put together. My inner monologues are constructed entirely of conceit. I am also ridiculously handsome.
Random Student: But I also am smart! [He dies]
Verdan: Not so smart when you die after getting one line!
Arkenheart: I’m ridiculously special.
Verdan: Indeed you are! We shall all worship you now.
Other Students: Hooray Arkenheart! We are not worthy!
[They worship Arkenheart, who is now inexplicably dressed in white robes]
Arkenheart: Oh Theronidas!
Theronidas: Oh Arkenheart!
Triss: I am an unfortunate person.
Arkenheart: USE A FUCKING CONTRACTION ALREADY!
Verdan: Arkenheart you are really good at everything and I’m not even supposed to be teaching you any of this but you remind me of my daughter WHO DIED HORRIBLY.
Arkenheart: I too have a tragic back story! I bet mine’s better… er, worse than yours!
Verdan: My wife died in childbirth!
Arkenheart: My dad died when he literally suffocated under ghouls and abominations, choking to death on rotting flesh!
Verdan: My daughter was kidnapped, raped then eaten by trolls!
Arkenheart: My sister was kidnapped, addicted to drugs, and her mind has been broken so horribly she’s a sex slave to keep her addiction going!
Verdan: Well… uh… this one time Bloodwrath called me a douche!
Arkenheart: My mom committed suicide after my sister went missing and blamed me!
Verdan: Really? Damn. That’s harsh kid. You win. Have a cookie.
Arkenheart: I love cookies!
Verdan: Friggin rape and suicide. ALWAYS wins backstory competitions. Why can’t we have characters who’s backstory is a crippling penchant for being nice to kittens or something?
Arkenheart: Careful now, that fourth wall is awfully fragile.
Triss: WHY ARE YOU SO NICE TO ME.
Arkenheart: YOU ALWAYS SEEM SO SAD.
Triss: I HAVE A PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Arkenheart: JUST ONE?
Triss: FUCK YOU BITCH.
Other Students: Derp Arkenheart is way better than us at everything!
Arkenheart: That’s right! Ha ha ha!
Verdan: Careful, or the author is going to do horrible things to you to prove you aren’t a Mary Sue.
Arkenheart: Psh, yeah right. I’m an in-game character! A PC no less! He can’t kill me off or even permanently injure me. He can’t hurt me!
Theronidas: OH SHIT.
Arkenheart: Wanna be friends?
[They got hot and greasy together]
Theronidas: Hey guys what’s goin- awww.
Arkenheart: Don’t be like that! Join in!
Theronidas: [Takes off his pants]
Triss: Heh. Mine is bigger.
Theronidas: Yeah, well, mine has multiple functions.
Triss: Oh yeah? What else do you need besides up and down, and the occasional left and right?
Theronidas: Pfff. Amateur. This baby spins! Check it!
Triss: That… that is pretty amazing. May I… may I touch it?
Theronidas: Go right ahead. Easiest grip is on the shaft.
Triss: Oh, it is so… warm.
Theronidas: Yeah, that helps keep the end lubricated.
THEY ARE ALL ENGINEERS AND ARE DISCUSSING ARCLIGHT SPANNERS WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK THEY WERE DOING.